But what to do?

The primary contributor to my stress, depression, and daily frustrations was a single site that encouraged me to find means of gaining money from the internet which then led me in discovering a few numbers of legitimate and authentic PTC sites (Pay-to-Click). It was like an addiction. I’ve been spending hours and even days in front of the PC to discover more about them and to find other means of getting dollars by just clicking and viewing advertisements, answering surveys, and even giving up my WordPress to open another blog on Blogger for my Adsense.

I’ve suddenly forgotten all about the reason of my resignation. I’ve forgotten about programming because I’ve been busy spending my days in front of the PC to monitor my PTC sites and other means of online, instant income as well. But I know I shouldn’t be doing this. People get to do a lot  of things and most of the time they don’t know when they are already on the wrong side of the coin. It was my boyfriend who snapped me out of this addicting and quite non-sense dollar earning thinking (and doings).

I needed to get rid of the PTC sites to gather and to recover myself back. He was right, after I’ve decided to totally eliminate those PTCs from my system, my days became brighter and lighter and my nights are sweeter than ever. This is so much exaggeration but the thing is I’ve been freed.

But still (and again), I was bored.

It was, again and again, my boyfriend who introduced me to something new that I could do on the internet. It was on the morning of September 8, Mama Mary’s birthday, when he told me to take a look a this site: Essays.ph.

I judged the site from the name itself. I thought it was just another site full of essays that I could read on. I thought he told me to view this just so I could do something (that is he wanted to save me from boredom.) It took me hours before I finally REMEMBERED (yeah, I’ve even forgotten about it) to open the site. I really have no interest on it – that is before I saw it.

I stopped and suddenly decided to scrutinize around the site because of two things. One, because the interface looks cool and two, because it is far from what I’ve thought. It didn’t show me submitted essays to read on. It showed me a job opportunity – at home.

It was asking me if I wanted a job, something part-time and home based. Moreover, it was offering me a position as an online WRITER.

Before I knew it, I was already reading everything about it and on how would I be able to apply and join. I was a little hesitant to engaged on to another online earning. A sign and an answer to my hesitations came through a form of a text message. It was boyfriend requesting me to join. First, I need to know if it is not a scam. He told me that he found the site through jobstreet.com. OK, so it is totally and undeniably authentic.

There is really no harm in trying. Actually, I was excited about it. It has been a long time since I’ve written formal and useful articles. I missed writing. And as what I’ve always believed in, once a writer will always be a writer. I have the writer’s heart, no doubt about it. But I’ve always been less confident in my writing skills. But then again, there will be no harm in trying. This job is online, it isn’t full-time, and I can write and I am enjoying it a lot, so why not?

Yeah, why not?

So on the afternoon of the same day I found myself busy formulating my answers that are needed on the application form. After submitting the accomplished form, I guess I didn’t have to wait for so long. An email instantly came to me telling that I am now a member of Essays.ph. It was now my turn to take a look at their very own Cyber Office (in a form of a forum) as an official Essays.ph writer, this is so cool.

Before anything else, I have to convince myself how much would I be able to become interested on this one. I spent the whole night of September 8, 2009 reading and understanding how the Cyber Office works through their online manual.

I was first assigned on a non-regular team. I was a part of the Gray team (where every first-timers go). To put it easily, it was like being on probationary period on a regular office or I might say, it is really being on probationary period when we are talking about the Cyber Office and the topics that I was able to open at this time were limited, I guess that’s the smartest way of differentiating the Gray team from the regular Essays.ph writers.

It took me some more days before I finally get my first ever assignment. I wanted to make sure that what I want is to write and not just to earn. And so, without money or any possible earnings lurking around my mind, I finally decided to work on an assignment (as a writer, yeah.)

I was really excited to write. I was a like a kid with hearts pounding and full of excitement mixed with nervousness. The feeling was like I was about to do some extreme sports when all I would be doing is to write. How long would it take to make a 500-word article? How long is a 500-word article? 1 page? 2 pages? These are the things that I continuously asked myself as I was writing. I have no idea of the word count for I started my first assignment using the traditional pen and paper tandem simply because I am used to using them. With researching, reading, understanding, formulating words, and finally writing, it took me an average of two (2) hours per article. I can’t believe it took me that long. No wonder it was already night time when I have already finished all of them. And they weren’t really finished, no. I still have to type all of them and it was almost my deadline. Upon typing I realized how idiotic I was. The reason that it took me two hours per article was because I formulated far more than 500 words per article and I still have to trim them down to make them shorter. That’s one mistake. The other is that I don’t have time to proofread those crammed articles and so even before I could submit them I am already expecting revisions.

Like an average tensed first-timer, I almost gave up on this one. Maybe I can’t do it?

“What about your articles? Would you just let them go to waste?”

“It was nearing my deadline. I won’t be able to make it.”

“But still, you have to try submitting them even if it’s late, at least you’ve tried. We’ll never know what will happen unless you’ve tried. Afterall, it’s just your first time.”

“I can’t make it.”

“You can.”

“I can.”

“Yeah, there’s no harm in trying. I would still submit them no matter what.”

That’s me talking to myself. I almost gave up, but just almost. I didn’t give up because I don’t have to. Later on that night, I went back on typing and had successfully overcome the thought of quitting. Thanks to my ever supportive boyfriend for “a little force” on my conscience. I submitted my first ever Essays.ph assignment as a freelance writer a few hours after the midnight of September 18.

I submitted my next assignment, and this time faster, calmer, and more well-organized (it went as light as playing with the wind) dated September 20.

As a newbie writer, I have just started with those two. On the afternoon of September 24 I received my first ever payment/salary for my second assignment. WHAT A DAY! I’ve felt so much happiness and satisfaction because other than having been paid and finding out that my second assignment has no revisions, they’ve also promoted me into a regular team, RED! Super yahooo!

In the form of Essays.ph, I finally found another community (an online community of freelance writers) of trusted, exciting, and ever smart individuals (though I haven’t been interacting that much as a newbie.) This is a rare find as I would like to call it. You never bump on an opportunity to write like this everyday, and one fine day, I happened to find it.

I am currently in a job.. a stable supervisory position as an IT Associate of a well known company (or should I say group of companies) in the country. Anyone would love to be in my position (anyone who hasn’t have a job yet that is).. But I don’t like my job, to be prank enough…

I am confused.. not a little, but totally and quite confused..

Should I go?

Should I go after working for only 2 weeks now in that company? Should I formulate now my resignation paper and start looking for a more exciting job that I know I deserve? Here’s the catch of why such things as immediate resignation immediately penitrated my mind…

I graduated with a degree of BSIT in a state university majoring in Programming and Systems Development.. I spent the rest of my four years there learning the ropes of programming from step 1 up to what I know right now.. I had recently graduated with a dream and hopes of being a full time programmer.. that’s what I want to do no matter how difficult it might be.. that’s what I really want to do..

To be called an IT Associate is just a name for me.. it doesn’t matter whatever title they give to me.. doesn’t really matter if it’s a supervisory position or not.. In my current job right now, the position IT Associate may be quoted as “Technician/Troubleshooter”.. the all around girl that I am running here and there attending to whoever needs a troubleshooting in their PCs..

No job is an easy job especially if it’s your first one.

Mine is not a likable job for the likes of me..

I am a programmer, grew up as one, with a mind and heart of someone who really loved and wanted to develop systems..

My job is not an easy job.. but I can learn the ropes, too.. there’s nothing wrong with doing the job.. Everyday.. Every morning from waking up, taking a bath, riding the public vehicles going to the office.. there’s only one thing that I frequently caught myself doing.. and that is to continuously motivate myself that I can do the job…

Go! Aja! Those are my everyday greetings to myself.. Feeling so tired of waking up in the morning and trying so hard to tell myself that I am ok.. even though deep within me I could never lie on how much I don’t like what I am doing.. Yep, I don’t want to be a technician/troubleshooter..

Everyday, when I entered the office, I have to endure the demands, the looks, the eyes, the questions, the requests, and everything they might throw on me.. My bosses’ requests and orders, all the people in the engineering and architecture department of that building and everyone who have PCs there are part of the responsibility that I have to cater.. I am not complaining (Except for the fact that I am slowly losing my self dignity because I know that I don’t deserve how they look and treat me).. The times when I had to go under their desks to do the troubleshooting while wearing a skirt, everyday I have to talk to them, say my excuse because I have to do my work.. the politeness, I don’t like talking to them.. I don’t like them calling me and ordering me to fix their PC.. I don’t like my job..

Anybody can be a technician/troubleshooter of hardware and software.. but not anyone can be a programmer.. in mind and in the heart.. I was born to do programming and I believe that..

Unfortunately, there’s a slight or a huge confusion in the job description when I accepted the position that’s why I am here now.. It’s hard to explain but maybe part of the problem was from me..  I shouldn’t have accepted a job that would take me 1 and a half hours to get to the office (that far), going to work 6 times a day, and each day feels like a whole week already, with a salary of 11k a month, in a programmer’s point of view it would be an insult if you would offer him 11k or lower even in the entry level position.. and most especially doing a job where you are not happy, not a bit..

The whole blame has to be on me.. I shouldn’t have accepted it.. I wanted to be a programmer.. I wanted to get away from this situation.. Unfortunately, it was just on my first day at work when I get to know what really am I going to do as an IT Associate.. I shouldn’t have accepted it.

Why can’t I just file an immediate resignation and stop this frequent confusion?

Number 1.. the company is a well-known company.. it was, no doubt, a great opportunity to be a part of it..

I just couldn’t go.. and waste the opportunity.. I am really really confused..

I planned to eat like a queen.. Comfortable and satisfied that is.. I headed towards the very first fast food that I laid my eyes on..

The greeness of Greenwich. The place, despite of the good name and good other branches where I’ve eaten, was disappointing..

I looked like a dumb looking for the wash area, when I haven’t found it on the first floor.. I headed and was sure that it should be on the 2nd floor.. The place wasn’t so huge for me not to be able to notice at first glance that there wasn’t a wash area anywhere.. maybe I have overlooked the first floor.. I went back downstairs.. now I’m sure, there’s none.. I went back upstairs.. darn.. this is getting absurd.. and then I found it.. on one corner.. it’s been there all this time and it wasn’t easy to notice..

Finding the wash area had made my temper a little shaky.. because it hit me, why doesn’t this place had any sign telling the customers or anyone the location of their almost hidden wash area? I do think that it is important for them to put a sign that would help others to not become a fool looking for that spot.. we’re not playing hide and seek here.. not to mention, I’m hungry at the time that it happened..

Testing my patience is not helping..

There weren’t so many seats in there.. it was lunch time.. so it would be acceptable to see that almost all the seats in there were occupied.. the 2nd floor was so packed as the 1st floor.. I saw another stairs leading to the 3rd floor.. I had in my mind another floor of tables and eating spaces.. I went up.. wham! It was a stock room.. Another damn and frustrating moment.. And once again, I looked like a fool! Nobody stopped me! Nobody even told me that there was nothing in there.. I was going all the way up to the third floor carrying my tray with the meal number, tissues, and a glass full of softdrinks..! Again, I don’t anyone telling me that if ever they had the decency of putting signs in there.. this is absurd!

Third, since almost all the eating spots were taken, the tendency of a normal customer would be to asked someone if he could share some unused tables beside him.. An abnormal customer would decline this request.. with an evil plan of eating the rest of the tables and chairs all by himself..

Damn, I asked this person, if I could remember his face I would not hesitate to describe him here.. his lucky I’m so freakin’ irritated I forgot his damn face.., He was alone.. occupying two table and four seats.. I asked if I could share a seat.. He instantly said no while looking at me in a very awkward way as if I am a beggar asking for his money, duh?.. as if he was with someone! But he’s not! Go on! Eat it all, man..

People should be educated more on values and morals and on being good citizens.. Whenever such situation is present, and you happen to be on the guy’s situation.. Please don’t hesitate to share, because that’s what normal people do.. Only abnormals act badly and inhumane.. That’s what he is..

I am familiar with this Carriedo place, yeah.. I’ve heard it.. been in it as I can remembered.. but going in there alone is not my idea of a good lunch-time stroll..

Oh, before I forget.. EAT BEFORE YOU START PROCESSING. Make sure that your tummy is full before anything else.. that’s the most essential thing hehe..

If you would be coming from the side of the LRT, you might first notice the big sign NBI CLEARANCE.. and upon arriving on that area you might consider going inside the building where that sign was hanged.. inside you would see stalls of different kinds.. retail stalls.. hehe.. well, DO NOT GO IN THERE.. just consider, but don’t.

I’ve entered that place.. talked to a couple of guards and ended up getting out of that building and coming in on the next.. which is the true location of the NBI.. there’s nothing in there.. instead of going inside continue walking and look for the Carriedo Plaza II Building.. that’s where the adventure would start.

Now let’s go in.. up the escalator.. on the main entrance of that establishment you would see an escalator.. don’t bother whether it’s working or not,, coz it’s probably not working hehe..

you would, for sure, see a line of people in the lobby.. this isn’t step one.. but you still need to reach the windows in the lobby and pay P20.00 for a yellow stub.. to know where you would use this stub, continue to your left..

Present your yellow stub on the Application Form Booth to get your, what else, application form.. Accomplish it up on the designated Filling Up Area.. you’re still not on the first step..

Now here goes the first step: Of course it would be, PAYMENT. For local employment and traveling abroad, the fee would be P115, for other purposes refer to the list.. because that’s all I can remember.. ^^

After getting your receipt, go upstairs and proceed to step 2: DATA CHECK. Well, this one would just take a few minutes of falling in line, if there were any. What they would do is to just look into your form and tear up your yellow stub.. you’re on for step 3: QUICK CHECK. Trust me, this would be the most time consuming of all.. Quick is not the word for this.. it’s just a name telling you that it’s a quick check but after experiencing a long time falling in line you’d know to yourself that it’s not.. My mind has already drifted into so many things and my emotions had already changed so many times and I’m still not close to succeeding this step.. (I AM EXAGGERATING)… hehe but that’s how would I describe it.. the LOOONG LINE THAT IS.. that’s why I’m saying that you should be full before doing these steps.. in this step, I’ve experienced the fangs of WORLD HUNGER! No joke.. And I do have gastritis..

Finishing step 3 is the most fulfilling at this time.. Proceed to step 4: IMAGE CAPTURE.. Fall in line.. get your emo straight.. your face sweat-free.. and practice how you would like to look on camera.. heh.. the name say it all..

Go upstairs.. 5th floor.. find step 5: FINGER PRINT.. get ready to have ALL your fingers dirty and blackish with ink.. ^^ Don’t worry, if the person attending to you was smart enough and business-minded enough, he would INSIST on giving you a piece of wet tissue to clean your fingers.. this would help “a bit” hehe.. that would be for P2.00 (of course, it isn’t free.. yah know the world today)..

Step 6: REGISTRATION. Another fast transaction.. they would just print on the back of your receipt the date of claiming your NBI Clearance.

You’re done… But only for the meantime.. Even if you are having this “strong” urge to fall in line on Step 7… Don’t.

Step 7 is for Releasing of Clearance.. Just go home for now and follow the date of your own Clearance’s release.. ^^

********************

The above statements may vary. Oh well, how?

Some people I know are lucky enough to get their NBI Clearance on the same day that they processed it.. yes, they’re lucky, but that was a long time ago.. things have changed now I guess.. they gave me 3 days before I could get mine.

You might be able to luckily miss the loooooong lines in steps 3 and 4 that I’ve shared experiencing.. if, and only if, there were not sooooo many people as it is on the time that I get mine.. wish you luck then.. ^^

One of the most important tips is to bring with you somebody or anyone.. you might want to stand firm on being independent but trust me, it still feels good to have someone to talk to while waiting for the long line.. it feels great to have someone fall in line for you in step 4 while you are still on step 3 right? And it would be a huge help to have someone to buy you some foods and drinks.. you realized how hungry I was then coz I’m always talking about my involuntary hunger strike.. ^^

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Don’t worry this isn’t a virus or anything illegal that is… you can trust me… and you can help me out by being a pupil of my Brute in the end… enkyu! ^.^

Trying on the links would really help my Brute.. thanks so much..

I have been obsessed with learning the craft lately. I have been a member of an e-group called the Natural Witch.. and the members did not just stand as mentors of Witchcraft, Wiccan, and other kinds of magic may it be through the use of herbs or not.. they stood as friends who would unhesitatingly help someone else in the group for as long as they can help.. And I never expected this kind of group.. I only wanted to learn more about Wicca and I don’t want to take on the journey alone for I can’t.. I need advices and guidance through the path and through my decision to continue on it.. But in this group I have found friends, though not directly, but they were able to help me with stuffs even beyond magic.. they give advices and suggestions not just as Wiccans but as human beings.. they were really good people.. If there was one thing in this journey of taking the path of Wiccan that is fun, being with the Natural Witches is the thing that I am most thankful about… *they even helped me to raise my pup*

But most, if not all, of the members of this e-group lived in the US.. and I couldn’t easily catch up to their using of herbs and other things that can only be found easily in their area. It was kind of difficult for me..

One day I decided to search for e-groups of Wiccans established in the Philippines.. I found three.. I actually never thought that the existence of such groups in the internet would be possible.. But I found them.. One of those weren’t successful.. The group was focused more on Paganism.. I couldn’t catch up to their ways.. So I exited from the group..

It took a long time for the PWS to contact me. Among the three groups that I searched, I actually aimed for PWS.. *PWS stands for Philippine Wiccan Society* During those times that the group was silent and wasn’t able to accept my application as a group member, those were also the times that I hesitate a little on joining any other groups except from Natural Witch.. I am already happy with it.. I don’t feel the need to find another group anymore.. Those were also the times that I suddenly realized the fright of having your own Wiccan group in your country and actually have the chance to meet them. In simple sense, I realized that I am not yet ready to be an actual Wiccan or maybe, I already don’t want to be one. *My boyfriend’s gonna freak out, I can see it already*

The fright came in more obviously and strongly when last night, one of the moderators texted me that I am now a member of the PWS. I checked the e-group the moment that I got home. I saw their minutes of meetings, I saw their photos, I am now waiting to be a part of their forums.. And maybe, after the forum, deeper connections.. I was afraid.. I am not a Wiccan.. yes, I still wanted to know more about it.. I wanted to learn about it.. But what if I emerged as a different person from who I was now by trying hard to be someone that I am really not. I am not a Wiccan, I repeat.. And I don’t have the magic.. I wanted to learn about it.. But what if I don’t have the gift.. Until late last night I was still looking through the e-group.. I was still worried.. I may have done a horrible decision, this may be a wrong one.. Something that I couldn’t back out from.. I repeat, I am not a Wiccan. People who are trying to learn about the ways of the craft aren’t Wiccans yet, I am not even a novice or apprentice, I am not yet fit for that title. The situation that I get myself in was the very situation that’s making me freaky now.

They don’t have the slightest idea of what they’ve done, but somehow I wanted to write about how they helped me in very simple and almost unnoticed ways.

I wanted everyone to know (or anyone who have the time to read this blog) how I have appreciated their simple contributions.

I cannot remember how many days had passed since my last conversation with Mark Arvin Dionisio (bear) on Yahoo! Messenger (yeah, I can look it up on the archive, but I also have the option not to check the date ^^) .. On that very conversation, this classmate and treasured friend of mine told me to bear in mind (partnered with confidence) these words when applying and when facing an interview,  “I am JJ, from PUP, take it or leave it.” Simple words, and maybe for a lot of people, it may sound nothing. But it was something that left a mark on me. Those were the very words that always rang in my ear and had never failed to push me up when I’m feeling little hesitations about my capacity. It helped me to stop myself from self-pitying and from not believing in me. It was really a great help. I have always been thinking for the past few days that “This is me. I am me. I am Jj. If you want me, you’ll have to accept me for who I am.” This also refrains me from pretending and from not being true to myself and to what I am feeling. Really, many thanks to Arv, knowing him, he might not have any single idea that somehow his words had hit that hard on somebody else’s personality.

Next, to Mr. Jerry Liao. We had this seminar at school about the use and new features of MS Office 2007. He was the one who taught us about the function: Shift + Alt.. So what can this do? It highlights parts of your documents, it highlights your chosen words disregarding the placement of those words. You can highlight the center of your document and format it whichever way you wanted without affecting the other parts. Shift function alone would not do this magic. He taught this to us only for entertainment purposes or to give MS Word a fun view. He highlighted some parts of the document and change their colors. It looks good! And fun! (try it.. go) That’s why it was retained in my memory. I never thought that it would have such a huge use in my life. During my hands-on exam on MS Office earlier this day, I first had troubles with MS Word. I was about to give as I was running out of time, until I remembered what Mr. Jerry had taught us way back on that seminar (take note: it’s the only thing that I really remembered on that seminar, never thought it would come in handy for this time). You see, I was so thankful, and even though this was a non-personal showing of gratitude, I still think he deserved an appreciation. ^^

He was guilty of nothing. He was the most famous innocent who was sentenced to death. He died and after three days, He was back from the dead. I heard from our parish priest, this man’s resurrection was named by many as the miracle of miracles. True enough, He had performed so many miracles in His short life as a man on Earth, most of them was proven by many witnesses. But still, His coming back from the dead after three days of dying on the cross was undoubtedly the most extravagant of all His miracles.

I have always loved the celebrations of Lenten and Easter seasons. Lent has always reminded me that in every man’s life, there will always be shadows of sorrows and gloom, of crying and agonizing, there will always be a time where we must carry our cross, and sometimes, we also felt times of sacrificing the most important things to us. We all needed to be reminded of this. And most importantly, Lent followed by the dawn of Easter always reminded me that after each lent on one’s life, it will always be followed by Easter, by resurrection, by hope, by triumph, and in the end, after you have suffered so much, your sweetest and happiest glory will be felt by how you have stood still and surpassed the lenght of lent.

Miracles happen to those who believe it. Or rather, miracles happen BECAUSE they strongly believe that it would happen. Even a tiny drop of doubt will make any miracle unreachable, you have to have a very unshaken faith in order to witness your own miracle happening before your very eyes. A famous statement that I usually hear is this: too see is to believe.. maybe, it should be.. Believe first that it could happen so that you would be able to see it happening.

I have watched this day’s episode of “is it real” on the National Geographic channel. The topic was particularly about stigmata. An unexplainable event where a person, after seeing miraculous images of the crucified Christ, after feeling the exact pain that He had felt on his wounds, would wake up from these images bearing the symbols of God. By symbols I mean are Christ’s wounds on his hands, feet, and sides. They would wake up bleeding and hurting so much. People who have these believed that they were signs from God. I have always wanted to be a saint. No, I am not a good person with the best attitude to be a saint, but still, in my childhood days, becoming a saint was one of my dreams. I was inspired by the story of St. Francis of Assisi. I don’t really know why, but since I was a child, he had been my favorite saint. There was this movie of him showing how he got the signs that I mentioned. Before I even heard or learned the word stigmata, I have already seen it in that movie. Admittedly, on the moment that I saw it coming to St. Francis, I wanted the same marks. My instincts told me that that certain kind of glory and privilege seldom, or very, very seldom, to happen. And thus, I have always believed that only a few, very few, chosen sons and daughters of God was given those kinds of marks. Today’s episode of “is it real” revealed that the very first occurrence of stigmata and the most famous one that is accepted by the Vatican was that of St. Francis of Assisi. Yeah, I’m really so proud of him. And after him, many followed. Aha, many followed. This means that the information shown on those revelations broke my belief for so many years. I have always believed that only a few have been chosen to bear these marks. And then researches proved to me that a lot have also experienced what St. Francis had. Regardless of the information revealed to me, I still doubt the authenticity of some of those occurrences of stigmata on some people. What I mean is that for me, not all of them are true occurrences. I would still stick to what I have believed in. The privilege of having and experiencing a stigmata and actually sharing the same pain that Christ had chosen to have to redeem mankind would always be just like any other privileges. That is it is given to only those few CHOSEN people.

“we are all hungry for miracles, for physical manifestations of God.. but we cannot dictate what God can do, and what God cannot..” – National Geographic “is it real”.

Popularly known as the Black Nazarene, the Nazareno of Quiapo visited our small town in Sta. Ana, Taguig City from March 26 to 29, 2009… This was the first time that I’ve seen this holy image.. It was marvelous.. I wasn’t able to touch it because a lot of people wanted to kiss it and the line was so long.. I just took my time to take photos of it as a remembrance of the day that we first saw each other.

The small, purple rosary that I bought for P20 from a very agressive and persuasive vendor together with a novena booklet for another P20 stood as a lucky charm for me I guess.. That Sunday when I first saw the Black Nazarene was really a memorable one..